Savoring Moments

Earlier today I was at the grocery store when  a young clerk bounded up to me and Miles and asked how old he was. I responded to his enthusiasm and told him he was almost 9 months. The clerk then told me how big he was and that he and his wife had just had a baby two weeks ago. I told him that he must be tired, he nodded heartily, and then I responded, "Enjoy the moment, he'll be too big and crawling away from you in no time."

It was in that moment, or looking back upon it, that things suddenly made sense.

This blog post has been bouncing around in my head for some time now, but I could never figure out how to put the words and the feelings together. But standing there telling that young - enthusiastic, but exhausted - man to savor the moments, my understanding became clear.

In March my big brother was diagnosed with cancer. Cholangiocarcinoma, Liver Cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. When I heard the news I honestly didn't believe it. Kyle has always been unbreakable to me, that's how big brothers are, but here was a doctor (or two) saying he was broke. It seemed unfathomable.

The following day I went to school, what else do you do? I sat down at my desk and a friend walked in to ask me a question. She hardly got her question out before it changed to, "are you ok?" I told her. I lost it. Cry #1.

We were in Salt Lake that weekend and got busy doing other things, and never went to see him. It was a stressful weekend, we left late Saturday night, drove as far as Odgen when I broke down in tears, we turned the car around, and drove back. Cry #2. It was in fact real. He had cancer. Time was limited, and how could I waste the chance to go and see him? How could I not give him a hug? I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to be a weepy emotional mess, I didn't want to face the reality. But we went back, we saw him, we had a nice visit, it was a good moment.

As chemo began we continued to press forward with emails, instagrams, and facebook. Thankfully Dor started writing a blog so we could have constant updates. But time was flying by. Life still held school, work, home, a growing baby, and this giant heaping 'new normal' as they call it. We try to go to Salt Lake once a month to visit a bit but it seems that our time is crowded and often full of things to do. The months passed and the 'new normal' had just become 'normal'. Then they got this Voice Quilt thing going where you call and "leave a message" about your loved one so their stories will forever remain. I spent the entire month trying to figure out what to say - reliving my favorite memories and moments with my big brother. At night I practiced, and thought, I pondered, I put it off. When I could no longer, I called - 3 times. At first it was it was fine, backpacking stories, fun memories; then it was real, I love my brother, he's always been a hero and I can't imagine Miles not knowing him as that. Cry #3.

Last week Bud gathered the troops for a trip to Hyrum Reservoir to play in the water. It was chemo day so my parents gathered Eliza and Olivia and we all met at the lake. I was out in the water with Eliza, Olivia, Shelby, and Eli playing around on the boat when Lizzie said, "Why don't we do this more often?" I agreed, it was a great moment. So we started to talk about how we were going to have fun in the ocean as we all head to San Diego here in a few weeks.  We're already planning great moments.

And that's the thing that hit me today, life is a series of moments, each to be dealt with in it's own time. Some we toss aside with no importance, others we carefully package up and put away as important dates, but others that might normally go to the wayside or be brushed across with a smile, need to be scooped up and savored. I haven't had enough moments with my brother since March. Cry #4.

I watch pictures come up on facebook or instagram of family dinners, water slides, and chemo days. Suddenly Logan feels so far away. Then I look down at Miles as he takes off down the hall jabbering his funny sounds and I see a million moments already gone. Have I squandered away these moments folding laundry or doing dishes? Have I stopped to appreciate instead of rushing to 'get done'? Have I savored, or have I slurped? It's all going too fast. Cry #5

Truth is, I've cried more than five times, I'm a crier (see Bud's wedding photos for horrific proof). But looking back, those cries, those moments, they're worth savoring too.

Clinging to the side of the bed...

Like chevrons, burlap flowers, and upcycling - 'Sleep Training' is an 'in' thing right now. Or perhaps it is just 'in' in the circle of moms around me. Either way, it seems to be the topic of blog after blog right now and I know this because I think I've read them all. From "Mommy Blogs" to "Sleep Consultants" I've read them, and I've read the medical journals, the psychologists analysis of sleep, the American Pediatrics Guide, and so on. It's what I do in the night while I'm nursing. I read about sleep.

So I'm putting in my 2-cents, and then I'm moving on from blogging about my child's sleep, because really, who wants to read that?

First - EVERY child is different. So don't think that your child, or your parenting skills are broken because what 'they' said didn't work for you.
Second - Only you know what is best for your child. I think this is where mother's instinct must rule. And I can't let my own mother, or the mother's around me, overrule what I know to be true about my child.
Last - "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." (Or at least I think that's how that quote goes, that's how it goes in my mind.) There will be bad days, and bad nights, but no one has ever died from lack of sleep. (At least I don't think so, I'm totally making up that fact.)

So here's how we did it: (And by 'did it' I mean, "currently doing it and crossing fingers praying that it's done")
1. Rigid schedule (thanks to Art for supporting me on this, he had to lay down the law - because I asked him to, and it made a world of difference.)
2. Break the swaddle habit (I LOVE swaddling a little one, but big ones have to sleep without it. For Miles, it was easy to give it up at night, during the day took a little more patience. One arm first, then both, then going to sleep without it, but sometimes having to swaddle mid-nap, and then finally gone)
3. I don't like the CIO method (Oh how I feel so trendy using that acronym), I want positive sleep associations. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it. You are entitled to yours. So I taught Miles to go to sleep on the bed next to me. I would darken the room, lay him down with his blankey and binky then I would lay on the other end of the bed. He squirmed, crawled away, and talked a lot, but eventually put himself to sleep. When he started to figure out he could crawl over to me and cuddle up with me and my blankey then I had to lay him down on the other side of the bed and prepare myself for the next step.
4. Now we follow the same routine with book, curtains, dark, blankey, but now we go to his crib. He played for quite a while the first few days but seems to be settling in to the routine. He never cries, maybe because I'm still laying on the side of the bed (out of sight, and not really doing anything. Letting go issues? perhaps.) He roots around, cuddles his blankey, kicks his legs and eventually dozes off for an hour or two. (Two naps, twice a day - 1-2 hours each- in his crib and sometimes and evening snooze post milkies, in the car, or stroller)

He's far from perfect, as is the routine, but we're getting there. It is a wonderful feeling to not have to swaddle and rock and gently lay him down and then pray that he'll stay asleep. And sure as I hit publish he'll wake up screaming and won't go back to sleep and I'll have to eat my words, but oh well. It's all part of the process.

*Post-Script: I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of this weeks book (The Underneath by Kathi Appelt). And man am I having trouble picking it up. It's dark, and weird, and jumps time and people all over the place. I'm supposed to be reading right now (pump, eat and read - that's the lunch routine) but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So what do I do, I strongly disagree with giving up on a book, but I feel like I'm forcing myself to read it. Give up or read on??

The One and Only...

I chose to read this book after it was a huge hit in one of our 4th grade classrooms. The teacher, a lover of literature and ex-librarian, read it to her class and for weeks they would tell me about gorillas and silverbacks during my time with them. Then it went on to win her Sweet Sixteen of Literature, so it hit the top of my list (not to mention it's a Newberry Winner, and I always try to read those).

This sweet book is the tale of the One and Only Ivan, a silverback gorilla, who lived in a roadside mall. The story is told from his perspective and has such great voice that it truly makes you connect to him on a personal level. Ivan has spent most of his life with Mack, the keeper and owner, and has come to find his "domain" in the mall 'home'. But Ivan has a new visitor join their family of wild animals and a promise is made that changes his perspective on the future. Thankfully, Ivan is an artist, and his creativity saves the day.

I loved this sweet, and some times heart-wrenching story. Ivan is an old soul, with a warm heart. The characters surrounding him bring the story to life (especially Bob, the dog, who I imagine as a chihuahua with a mexican accent). There are some parts that are a bit more difficult to read, in relation to animal abuse, but the overall picture is positive. It also paints zoos in a good light, as these can sometimes get a negative reputation in the world of hippies and animals lovers.

Another great aspect is that they author took Ivan's 'voice' so literally it's written in short sentences and chapters, sometimes only a line or two, that each speak volumes. It helped make it a quick read.

Next Book: The Underneath by Kathi Appelt
Next Goal: All crib, all the time, all night? yeah right.

On Being a Stay-at-Home Mom...

There are many perks to my professional career. Silly kids, lots of learning, playing on the floor daily, working with great teachers, free staples (ok, not really), but the best has to be the summers "off". And by "off" I mean, I can work from home, in my jammies, when Miles is sleeping, and I don't get paid for it. In the past I have done major summer curriculum projects, but I knew this summer would be a little different so I have left most of the work at school and just spend a few hours a week during naps, the rest of the time it's all Miles. I think I can officially say I'm a stay-at-home mom.

There are some perks of that job too. Silly kid, lots of learning, playing on the floor daily, and NO staples. Miles and I spend A LOT of time on the floor playing. There are a few things that I absolutely love about being at home with him every day.

• He crawls everywhere(often with a block in his mouth) following the dogs or trying to eat the plant. I like to go into the next room (putting away laundry and what not) only to find him crawling behind me.
• We spend a lot of time on the floor and he wallers all over me (he thinks he's king of the mountain when he makes it over my legs). 
• We go on daily adventures in the stroller and get to look at birds and squirrels and bunnies, I think I'm more excited, but he does love a stroller ride. (They occasionally put him to sleep though)
• He LOVES story books. We always read a couple before nap time and he just soaks them in. We read one called Silly Suze Goose that said "RoaaarrrHonk", and every time I read that line he giggled. We've been reading our first "chapter books", Frog and Toad and he attentively listens as I read. 
• He is a blankey boy. Picture me, with my blankey, doing it the same way I have been for the last 32 years - and that's Miles. He holds it the same way, rubs it the same way, curls up with it at naptime. The only difference is instead of sucking his tongue (the way I do it - I am not ashamed) he sucks on the blanket. 
• He eats everything! I usually have a snack while we play, or eat my dinner while he plays, but he's figured out how to crawl over and open his little bird mouth and get a taste. Then he proceeds to climb all over me begging for more until it's all gone and I put the bowl down. I don't mind sharing, but I do mind that he usually wipes his mouth on my leg. 
• We get lots of time for lovies. Today he was tired, but we're cutting out the evening nap, so we were going to go run an errand and have a rest in the car. As I was getting ready he crawled over to my lap, grabbed his blankey and just curled up for some love. He's never been a big cuddler, but man does it feel good to get a whiff of his head. 

It's hard to tell, but this was what I looked down to see one night when we were going to bed. Two hands, two blankeys

He thinks that balancing blocks on his face is hilarious, similar to how he covers his face with his blankey and kicks his legs as fast as he can. Nut.

Ok, I could go on. I could also go on about the parts I don't like - like the lack of adult conversation, inability to wear anything nice,  trying to do a million things in one two hour nap, but frankly the good outweigh the bad so I'll just skip. Here's to my summers at home!

Stole my cream puff, but he liked it so much I couldn't take it away.

Goals

One of my summer goals is to read a book a week. I only get a few minutes every day while Miles sleeps and I pump, but I'm doing good so far. The other part of my goal is to record them here, so come fall I can remember what I've read!

Book 1: About Average  by Andrew Clements

I love Andrew Clements for his simple stories, school settings, and realistic characters. They are great books to hook kids on reading. This was a story of a very average girl trying her hardest to be anything but. It was a quick, simple, but enjoyable read.

Book 2: How to Cook like a Top Chef

I like the show, and I like to learn about cooking (If I were ever rich I'd go to culinary school just for fun). This was a good mix of "show stuff" - cooking tips - and recipes. Not that I ever cook that sort of fancy schmancy stuff, but I like to read how they do it...

Book 3: May B. by Caroline Starr Rose

This book was written in verse ... poetry ...short incomplete sentences? But it was really good. It was about a girl with dyslexia and the time she was sent away to work for someone in their soddy. It takes place on the Kansas plains, I don't know what year, but back when they lived in soddies and rode via horse and wagon. I liked  the visual pictures created in this book and the element the dyslexia had in defining the character. I'm not usually into historical fiction but this one was worth the read.

So far, all good reads. This week I'm taking on The One and Only Ivan.

Catching Up

I love it when people blog - I hate it when I don't.
So I'm catching up.

Here is what has happened in the last 2 months:
1. I finished my 2nd year at Edith Bowen - yeah! I love it. I learn something new every day, and get to take on challenging tasks.
2. I finished my first cycle as the Assessment Director - successfully MAP'd, CRT'd, and DIBEL'd all our kids. Then organized it on a GIANT spreadsheet. Then merged it into individual assessment reports for students. It went fairly smoothly, I did learn some things that will help next fall.
3. At the same time as testing I was finishing my 14th? school musical, The Phantom Tollbooth Jr. We had a great new sound system which helped and we made it through. The kids aren't quite at the performance level I would like, but we'll get there.
4. Art finished spring semester with another set of good grades. He is a very diligent, albeit procrastinating, student. He is on to math this summer (which means I correct math homework nightly, back to school).
5. We tore out and xeriscaped our park strip, it looks so much better. We spread a lot of bark and have planted a lot out front (Grandma likes to move my birthday to Spring so we can celebrate by buying flowers.)
6. Art has started the downstairs bedroom rebuild, it's going to be awesome when he's done. Currently it's many piles of wood.
7. Miles got his newborn - oops, 7 month - pictures taken by my friend Taryl. She did such a great job, I'll post some of my favorite below. Father's Day is made!
8. Speaking of Miles, holy cow has he grown! I think he saved everything for the second I got out of school because he has changed so much in the last two weeks!

• He learned to clap
• He learned to scoot
• He's almost crawling
• He pulls up on his knees
• He rolls over the second you set him down
• He gets into everything
• He eats solids, and LOVES them. He's such a good little eater, he even does little finger foods without any trouble.
• He's learned to put himself to sleep (again, (see last post) 6 month growth spurt and shots did us in!)
• He slept 2 hours and 40 minutes yesterday and I had to open the blinds to wake him up!
• He is no longer swaddled (again, we regressed, but Mom is home now so we're getting things back in order.)
• He loves to go on stroller rides, and frequently falls asleep while strolling, it's adorable.
• He's had play dates with the ladies at school that had babies this year (we had 5 babies (well the last is coming any day now) born in one year!)
• He is adorable.
• He is sweet. 
• He is so funny.
• Ok, those aren't changes, but they are just some of the reasons I love him so much, and i'm loving being home all summer. 

So that's where we're at. I hope to blog this summer, it's a goal. My goals are also to make homemade baby food (already did one month, took 2 hours and $20, and was really fun), walk daily, and hike once a week, go to the library every week (early literacy is important!), keep up on the yard, and all sorts of other stuff i may or may not get to...

ok, caught up.

A Mother's Woe

Let me start by saying - I love motherhood. I love being a mom. I love tubbies and nursing and stuffing wiggly legs into jammies. But I am going to be very cliche here - I wish babies came with instruction books.

You have purchased the 2012 MAR Model, it is known to be very smiley, rarely cries, but only sleeps for 45 minute lengths. For tips and troubleshooting see appendix B.

Oh how my life would be simplified.
You see the 2012 model I purchased has sleeping issues, in that he sleeps exactly like his Papa - not at all. Ok, that's not true. He sleeps, he is actually a pretty good night sleeper. He still wakes up twice, but only with a wimper, he drinks his milkies and is immediately back to sleep. No crying nights - just milkies - twice - always. (I am knocking on wood, I am SO grateful to not have a night crier. I can sleep and nurse, I'm ok with that.)

So then we go to daytimes. We discovered early on that a schedule is REALLY important or he doesn't go to sleep well at night. So Art has been so good at being on top of it (especially for a man who believes that anything requiring a set time is against his style). So Miles naps about 8:30, then again about 11-11:30, and finally at 3. And like clockwork exactly 45 minutes after you put him down he wakes up. And when you walk in to see what all the noise is about (he likes to talk) he looks up at you with big sparkly blue eyes and an open mouthed grin - and you're faced with a major decision.

Does he look "done" - as in "done-napping" - should I give up, smile, and talk to him?
OR
Do I avoid his eyes, ignore the pouty lip, and swaddle him back up (I'll get to the swaddling issue soon - I'm sure you're waiting with baited breath) and try to put him back to sleep?

Art is great at reswaddling and forcing Nap Part II, but he has to do it every day for at least two naps.  And that brings me to the swaddling issue. We didn't swaddle when he was first born because he wanted his legs out. Then someone gave us the Miracle Blanket swaddler and a story about how she wraps up her baby, plops her in her bassinet, says goodnight and her little one would sleep for 2 hours. So we started swaddling.
Actually it helped, he stopped whacking himself in the head and waking up even before the 45 min. body clock went off. So we became swaddling supporters, he knows when he's wrapped up it's sleep time.
But now he's getting big and wiggles out of that thing in seconds, then proceeding to whack himself until he's fully awake.
Do you see my woe's?

So here's my spring break project:
1. Teach Miles to put himself to sleep so that when he stirs at 45 minutes he can wiggle then put himself back to sleep (I know, a bit of wishful thinking here, but at least he'll be able to put himself to sleep at naptime instead of rocking and lovies)
2. Break the swaddling habit.
(3. Deep clean my house, finish my ruler project, write a measurement and a fraction unit, make the gumpaste flowers for Grandma's cake, exercise, and get caught up on my ELED grading.)

I tried to start yesterday. He took two 45 minute naps in the morning slots. Then I took him on errands with me and he slept for almost 2 hours in his carseat. (I woke him up because he was 30 minutes late for milkies).

So I started again this morning.
He is currently sleeping in his crib with one arm swaddled (the other wiggled out, and reswaddled 3 times before I cussed and said fine leave your dang arm out), the other tightly gripping his blankey, after having wiggled and talked himself to sleep (with my hand on his belly - it's supposed to help keep his arms swaddled, guess not).
It's been 30 minutes.
I have 15 minutes until I face the dreaded decision again. Or maybe he'll love one arm out so much he'll sleep for 2 hours. Or he'll whack himself in the face and be up in 5 minutes.

Could someone please send me Appendix B?

(Try telling that face to go back to bed...)