A few weeks ago Kelli said I should write about this, so I've been thinking about it, and it seems with recent events, today is the day.
Art and I have been married for 5 1/2 years, crazy to think it has been that long - but time does fly when you're having fun.
When I told my "School Mom" (you get those when you're the young teacher) that I was getting married she said, "You're not going to be one of those Mormon girls that gets married and is pregnant 6 months later?" I responded with a hearty 'no', and told her we would wait 5 years.
Last year we were expecting our first baby on our 5 year anniversary.
But as most of you know, that didn't work out. It was a heartbreaking experience, for so many reasons, one of the hardest was that we had been trying for a long time.
I was never 'regular' in my youth and always feared this would be an issue, turns out I was right. A few years ago we decided to just 'let time decide', we were ready. Time wasn't.
We've done rounds of tests and treatments. No one can really give us a straight answer, they say we're healthy, we could get pregnant any time. We just don't.
A friend of mine was telling me how her parents tried for years and weren't successful, and every month her mom would get her period and cry.
It is a terrible thing, that monthly reminder of the one thing you just can't accomplish. I cry too.
We've watched the family fill up with babies. We've watched our friends create families. We've watched the years tick by, empty.
But we've survived.
I have the most loving and wonderful husband. He is so positive and supportive. All he wants in the world is to give me a baby, and he too feels the frustration of not being able to accomplish that one thing.
We have talked about adoption. We have good friends who are adopting - their baby is due tomorrow. We've seen the joy it can bring, we've also seen the heartache. I would absolutely adopt, but it's an expensive process - I'm a poor teacher, married to a carpenter. We've saved our pennies and eventually may go that route. But the truth is, I know I can get pregnant, so my heart won't let me give up yet.
Our time will come. We got to meet President Monson last year and he asked if we had kids, we humbly said, 'no, not yet'. He looked us in the eye, with a smile on his face and said, "It will come."
How can you not have faith in that?
Until then, I cry once a month. I hold every baby I possibly can. I love my husband. I love my dogs (they're wonderful 4 legged babies). And I wait, it will come.
It's amazing how many have been in our same boat. I know in our family so many have experienced the loss of a child, and the heartache of not getting pregnant. It is good to know that you are not alone. There is a great comfort in knowing that someone understands these very complex feelings. I know that after we lost our baby, talking to Kelli was a great relief, because she understood. I have to be grateful, because my life is blessed. I have a wonderful family, great friends, support all around me, and people that understand. Now I just need the patience to wait our turn. It will come.
